Apparently Travis Kelce is going to break up with Taylor Swift, and she won’t see it coming. This from prognosticator Bill Maher on the latest episode of his Club Random podcast. The Real Time host had Hailey Welch, aka the “Hawk Tuah girl,” on Monday’s show, and they ended up on the topic of Tay.

Bill dropped his pessimistic prediction, maybe to rain on longtime Taylor fan Hailey’s parade, maybe just to troll. He stated confidently about her relationship with Travis:

“He’s gonna dump her, though, you know that… With her, it’s like the Gatorade at the Super Bowl, you know you’re gonna get dumped. You just don’t know when.”

Hailey politely entertained Bill’s supposition but tried to find the silver lining, offering:

“You gotta think about it this way. If he does that, can you imagine the next album we’re gonna get off of that?… It won’t be ‘F**k John Mayer’ no more, it will be ‘F**k Travis.’”

While that’s true, it’s still a depressing thought. Travis and Taylor feel so much like endgame to us! We choose to believe in their love and are NOT willing to assume they’ll break up just because neither of them has had a lasting relationship before. That’s literally everyone. None of your relationships last until you find the one, that’s how it works! Frankly it feels a little sexist to paint that as a failing of Taylor when it’s also true of Travis and everyone else in the effing world! Just sayin’. What can we say, we’re a little less polite than Hawk Tuah. If Bill had brought his little theory to us, we would have spat on that thang.

Speaking of drivel… Bill went on to argue it was “very tacky” that Taylor still writes songs about her exes, quipping:

“It does seem like such a recurrent theme. At some point, you just wanna say, ‘Maybe you should write a song called Maybe It’s Me.’”

Again, how is this different from every songwriter ever? Everyone writes love songs and breakup songs from their own perspectives. Bill wasn’t done with Tay though. He kept jabbing, this time saying she was being immature for dating an NFL star:

“I’m sure she’s a lovely person, but the whole thing with the football player… I just felt like 35 was a little old to be like, ‘My boyfriend’s a football player and I wear his jersey to the game with his number on it!’ I mean, come on.”

Seriously, what does he want from her?? It would be more mature and serious of her to date a venture capitalist? How about a comedian who wants to be Hugh Hefner?

Thankfully Hailey was there to be a voice of reason, telling Bill:

“Whatever makes her happy. If that’s what she wants to do and it makes her happy, it ain’t got nothin’ to do with me.”